To my dearest little sister, Sally Brown, its Charlie here
A lot of things have happened since you skipped town
For one, Im queer, for about a year
I know, of course, you might be less than psyched
About the path I took
But I had to face the fact that I kind of liked
How Linus looked, before he booked
'cause Patty came out and left me shocked and confused
She shacked up with Marcy, who was clearly abused
And I picked up a needle that had just been used beforeNow Lucys playing hockey, her team just won the Stanley Cup
Schroeder dresses just like Beethoven did and ties her up
And she barks like a pup
And the hunt is on for Linus,
But as you know, hes hard to catch
You see, he found that lots of interesting things could grow in the Pumpkin Patch
But the feds are no match
'cause he and the red-haired girl split the scene
The psilocybin sultan and the cannabis queen
And Franklin shot Tupac and now he aint nowhere to be seenBreak it down!
Woodstock got eaten by the cat who lives next door
Snoopy got neutered and now he aint Joe Cool no more
And hes still kind of sore
And Pig Pen odd, was just a matter of time
He couldnt keep a job on account of the grime
And he couldnt face a future of small-town crime no more
So write us all a letter and tell us how the city is
Freda said she saw you, so tell me hows the porno biz,
My little sis, the porno biz, my little sis