Did anybody notice, over marmalade and eggs
In between the princess' legs
What with wars and floods and beggars
Not to mention stocks and shares
If you have a moment to spare
Can you write and reassure me that I have seen
They're constructing a time machine
And there will be no need for the obituary pages
We can have any hero from the bygone ages
'Til the truth emerges, the argument rages
The major and the minor
Turn from tallow into tar
Should we leave them in their place?
Down in damnation's cellar
When any form of deity that you might enjoy
Can be conjured with a test-tube and a flame
If it's out there then science can explain it
Or at least remove the blame
And if there's anyone, you'd like to see again and speak up quickly
Send us back Da Vinci then we don't have to ponder
The maddening smile of La Giaconda
The critics say Nijinsky, the dancer, of course
While the punters would probably prefer the horse
You'll find it's quicker than history, cheaper than divorce
The major and the minor
Turn from tallow into tar
Should we leave them in their place?
Down in damnation's cellar
Bring back Liberace or Ollie and Stan
Shakespeare will have to wait his turn
Elvis Presley and Puccini shall return, I suppose we live and learn
Though it's hard to believe as we cheerfully burn
It's curious, some will call for justice
There are murders to solve
What about Hitler? Or at least Lee Harvey Oswald
Give us this day and everything we squander
Anyone beautiful, somebody blonder
They'll never please mankind, so lie back and enjoy it
Stop press, they've just decided to destroy it
The major and the minor
Turn from tallow into tar
Should we leave them in their place?
Down in damnation's cellar