{Alright now boys and girls we've got another story for you now
We want to introduce to you another friend of the Bible}
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
If I were God there would be no explicit sex on TV
Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea
If I were God thou shall not worship false Billy Idols
And thou shall add the Book Of Flavor Flav to the Bible
Thou shall make fun of Hindus, thou shall not make a "Speed 2"
If I were God that's what I'd do, Heavens no
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
If I were God I'd get a bunch of slaves to do everything
Norwegian lesbians that feed me grapes and know how to sing
If I were God thou shall not wear tube socks with Flip-Flops
Thou shall sit and thou shall spin thou shall even wife swap
Thou shall resist the Olsen Twins, thou shall not cut Footloose
If I were God that's what I'd do, Heavens no
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
And when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross
I'll tell them I found Jesus that should throw them off
He goes by the name Hay-Zeus and steals hubcaps from cars
Oh, Hay-Zeus can I borrow your crowbar?
To pry these God damn nails out they're beginning to hurt
Crucified and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
I can't believe it's not butter, I'll sing as I'm flogged
Yeah, that's what I would do if I were God
So vote for me for Savior and you'll go to Heaven
Your lame duck Lord is like Kevin Spacey in "Seven"
With creepy threats of H-E-Double Hockey-Stick
You just can't teach an old God new tricks
But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem?
If I don't believe in myself would that be blasphemy?
Just sport some crummy holier than thou facade
Yeah, that's what I would do if I were God