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Mephisto and Kevin

In 1986, the University of Californa at Davis

Saw two of its all time brightest stars

Dr. Alphonse Mephisto and Dr. Arnie Abesacraben

Dr. Mephisto worked hard towards his thesisHis goal was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of Asparagus

So that all Asparagus would grow to the same girth and length

Giving Asparagus a much more plea sent presentation

In the world's supermarket vegetable binsDr. Abesacraben's goal was to genetically create

The greatest musical entertainer the world had ever seen

Dr. Abesacraben knew that if he could assemble

The right elements he could theoretically build

A DNA structure that would ensure his creation

Had talent far surpassing the average individualAt the time, one subject of urban myth was the story that

Michael Jackson in an effort to retain his youthful look

And feminine vocal characteristics, had his testicles surgically removed

Thereby making him a modern day castratoIf such a rumor were true

Michael Jackson more that likely

Would have had some of his semen preserved before the surgery

To ensure his the future of his name and lineageWord came back to Dr. Abesacraben of a secret cold storage locker

Deep within the bowels of the UCLA research center

That not only contained four containers of frozen semen

But also held a pair of testicles

Each was labeled with the name "Jack Michaelson"I once heard a noise

In the night the most sensual voice

A song of love from an eight year old boy

Stuck in my head and this is what he saidI am gopher boy

Pondering reality

I am gopher boy

Who will buy my raspberries?This had to be the seed of the king of pop

Dr. Abesacraben was able to use his charm

And chiseled Greek feature to woo a young lab technician

By the name of Jennifer

Who of course happened to have the proper access needed to obtain

A small vial of the precious semenThe search for the egg was a short one

Dr. Mephisto simply ran an ad in the classified section

Of an airline music magazine

The ad read, wanted, unfertilized human eggs for genetic experimentDonors must have musical background

With a pleathera of young

Eager wanna be music starlets willing to sell their eggs

The two doctors, after rigorous auditioning, picked and purchasedDr. Abesacraben felt that it would be far less complicated legally

If the fetus were brought to term in the womb of a non human

He had long since secured the services of

The University volleyball mascotA llama by the name of "Missy"

When the baby was ready, the child was removed via cesarean

It was a healthy baby boy, he was named KevinI once heard a noise

In the night the most sensual voice

A song of love from an eight year old boy

Stuck in my head and this is what he saidI am gopher boy

Pondering reality

I am gopher boy

Who will buy my raspberries?Kevin was a beautiful child

Dr. Abesacraben saw to it that Kevin was trained

By the best in all aspects of performing

His voice was golden and had a sweetness to it that most males lacked

He moved with grace and was able to moonwalk by the time he was threeAs Kevin grew in his talent

Dr. Abesacraben started noticing odd developments in his physical state

When Kevin lost his baby teeth

His secondaries came in with a vengeance

They were at least twice the size of a normal adult'sAnd the two in front stuck nearly straight out

Also as Kevin reached his eighth year

He was the same height as he was when he was four

To top it off, he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous

Even by adult standardsIt also dawned on the doctor that

Even through all the years of hearing Kevin sing he rarely spoke

Often choosing to communicate with various grunt and gurglesI once heard a noise

In the night the most sensual voice

A song of love from an eight year old boy

Stuck in my head and this is what he saidI am gopher boy

Pondering reality

I am gopher boy

Who will buy my raspberries?Others were noticing the changes in Kevin

Children began to tease him, to call him "Gopher Boy"

One day a bully by the name of "Big Roy"

Started throwing bananas at him

Soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananasSuddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy

And bit three finger fingers off on his left hand

Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state

Dr. Abesacraben's actions were found outBut because there was no

Legislation concerning the genetic instruction of another human being

No criminal charges were brought forth

The medical association's board of ethics

Stripped him of all his credentials and his reputation was ruinedIn fact, his name became so synonymous with failure

That for years to come

Medical students around the world

Were known to say in times of mishaps

"Damn, I feel just like Abesacraben"Dr. Mephisto immediately began proceedings to adopt little Kevin

Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned Asparagus

It wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son

They moved to Colorado where they live in relative obscurityKevin is still a boy of few spoken words

Sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles

But on occasion, if you listen closely

You can hear his sweet golden signing voice

Ring out into the night over the town of South ParkI am gopher boy

Pondering reality

I am gopher boy

Who will buy my raspberries?

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