Commander, this is blots at research project 23;
Im on earth collecting data on everything i see.
Although i realize the normal program runs ten years,
I'm calling now to ask you, please get me out of here.
My replicator needs some work, my food all comes out green.
My cloaking system flutters, i'm afraid i might be seen.
The auto doc keeps telling me there's no pain in my gut
And worst of all the people here are nuts.
They're nuts i say, commander
Their heads aren't screwed on right.
It isn't just a case of people who are not too bright,
If the early scout missed this then he must be a putts.
I've studied them and i should know they're nuts.
Consider the profession they think to be of worth
Some women make a living by their upper torso girth
A hero is a man who carries a ball a hundred yards
Broadcasting comments on that run brings even more rewards
Evangelists on tv say if you don't send them funds
Their god is going to kill them, i still don't get that one.
These folks don't have the common sense that god gave to a goose
They even let their lawyers reproduce
They're nuts i say, commander
Their heads aren't screwed on right.
There's no one home and there aren't even rumors of a light
I really cannot figure out how they got past mud huts
I've studied them and i should know, they're nuts
And those are just the mainstream, wait til you see the fringe
There's folks who stay up all night on one long singing binge
With songs of trolls and mucus and animals squished flat
And a guy who beats up criminals and dresses like a bat
Another cult here worships paper rather than guitars
They'll spend the price of two weeks food on so called trading cards
They'll talk of flying mammoths, ridiculous i know
Oh by the way, the dolphins say hello
They're nuts i say, commander
Their heads aren't screwed on right.
The bird of wisdom took one look at them and then took flight
As near as i can tell, they just get by on luck and guts
I've studied them and i should know they're nuts
There's folks who live on fault lines, there's folks who charge for sex
Some folks get paid amazing sums their muscles for to flex.
I'm not the easily panicked sort, i've done this work before.
But this place doesn't make since and i can't take any more
His answer came quite quickly to his immense relief
'your duty there is ended', the word came from his chief
'but we're sending you to outpost nine for quarantine' she said
We've got to make sure this thing doesn't spread
They're nuts i say, commander
Their heads aren't screwed on right.
Their grasp upon reality is very very light
I went out in my human suit and someone grabbed my butt
I've studied them and i should know they're nuts
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Lyrics submitted by ebany.