Abbott: How do you…how do you like my lawn club for St. Lou?
Costello: Hey, all those people gonna be at the game today?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Ah, this is gonna be a whopper of a game!
Abbott: Well it should be.
Costello: Hey, Abbott…
Abbott: What?
Costello: I understand they made you the manager of this here whole great team.
Abbott: Why not?
Costello: So you the manager?
Abbott: I’m the manager!
Costello: Well, you know, I’d like to know some of the guys’ names on the team so when I meet ‘em on the street or in the ballpark I’ll be able to say, “Hello,” to those people.
Abbott: Why sure I’ll introduce you to the boys. They give ‘em funny names though, St. Lou.
Costello: Oh I know they give those ball players awful funny names.
Abbott: Well, let’s see, on the team we have uh Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third…
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You know the guys’ names?
Abbott: I sure do.
Costello: Then tell me the guys’ names.
Abbott: I say, Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third and then you…
Costello: You the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You know the guys’ names?
Abbott: I’m telling you their names!
Costello: Well who’s on first?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: Go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playin’ first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: What are you askin’ me for? I’m askin’ you!
Abbott: I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.
Costello: You ain’t tellin’ me nothin’. I’m askin’ you, who’s on first?
Abbott: That’s it!
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The guy on first base.
Abbott: That’s his name.
Costello: That’s whose name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That’s the man’s name!
Costello: That’s whose name?
Abbott: Yeah!
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me!
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: What are you askin’ me for? I’m askin’ you, who’s on first?
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: What’s the guy’s name on first?
Abbott: No, What’s on second.
Costello: I’m not askin’ you who’s on second!
Abbott: Who’s on first.
Costello: That’s what I’m askin’ you! Who’s on first?
Abbott: Now wait a minute. Don’t…don’t change the players.
Costello: I’m not changin’ nobody! I asked you a simple question. What’s the guys’ name on first base?
Abbott: What’s the guy’s name on second base.
Costello: I’m not askin’ you who’s on second!
Abbott: Who’s on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: He’s on third. Now we’re not talking about him.
Costello: Look, you got a first baseman?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Then tell me the fella’s name playin’ first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playin’ first.
Abbott: That’s his name.
Costello: Wait…What’s the guy’s name on first base?
Abbott: What is the guy’s name on second base!
Costello: Who’s playin’ second?
Abbott: Who’s playin’ first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: He’s on third base.
Costello: Look, when you pay off the first baseman every month, who do you pay the money to?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: Yeah. Look, you gotta pay the money to somebody on first base, don’t you?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: Does he give you a receipt?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: How does he sign the receipt?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that you give the money to.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy you give the money to.
Abbott: That’s how he signs it.
Costello: That’s how who signs it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me!?Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s who?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: When you give the guy the money, doesn’t he have to sign the receipt?
Abbott: He does!
Costello: Well how does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy you give the money to.
Abbott: That’s how he signs it!
Costello: You! You…You just don’t give money to someone without having ‘em sign the receipt!
Abbott: No! Who signs it.
Costello: What are you askin’ me for?
Abbott: Now calm down. I’m not asking you, I am telling you. The…
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. What’s the guy’s name that signs the receipt on first base?
Abbott: Well now wait a minute. What signs his own receipt.
Costello: Who signs his own receipt?
Abbott: No, Who signs his.
Costello: I’m askin’ you, when the guy on first base gives you a piece of paper…
Abbott: Yes, now wait…
Costello: …he puts his name on it.
Abbott: No, Who puts his name on it…
Costello: How…
Abbott: …and what puts his name on it…
Costello: How does the fella’s name on first base look to you when he signs his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: To you.
Abbott: That’s how it does.
Costello: How does it look to you?
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/whos-on-first-lyrics-abbott-and-costello.html ]
Abbott: Who!
Costello: To you.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: To you.
Abbott: Who! Look…
Costello: When the guy signs his name, how does it look to you?
Abbott: Now that’s how it looks. Who.
Costello: H—How…Who?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: I’m askin’ you. What’s the guy’s name on first base you give the money to?
Abbott: Who! After all, the man’s entitled to it…
Costello: Who is?
Abbott: Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Whose wife?
Abbott: Yeah, sure.
Costello: All I’m tryin’ to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first base…
Abbott: What is on second base.
Costello: I’m not askin’ you who’s on second.
Abbott: Who’s on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: He’s…
Costello: Third base, I know.
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: You got a outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I’d ask you.
Abbott: Well I just thought I’d tell you.
Costello: The left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why!?Costello: Hmm…Because!
Abbott: Oh, he’s centerfield.
Costello: Oh…
Abbott: Told you all these players got…
Costello: All I’m tryin’ to figure out is what’s the guy’s name in leftfield.
Abbott: Now, What’s on second.
Costello: I’m not askin’ you who’s on second.
Abbott: Who’s on first.
Costello: I don’t know…
Both: Third base.
Costello: You got a pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Wouldn’t be a fine team without a pitcher.
Costello: What’s his name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don’t want to tell me today?
Abbott: I’m telling you.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!?Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not…
Costello: I’ll break your arm, you say who’s on first! I want to know what’s the pitcher’s name?
Abbott: What’s on second.
Costello: I don’t know.
Both: Third base!
Costello: You got a catcher?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The catcher’s name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today. You don’t wanna tell me, today…tomorrow…do you?
Abbott: I’m telling you.
Costello: So the catcher’s name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today. And Tomorrow’s pitching.
Abbott: Now you’ve got it!
Costello: Now I’ve got it…
Abbott: Hey!
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team!
Abbott: Well I can’t help that.
Costello: All right. You know now, I’m a good catcher. Now, I get behind the plate and…and Tomorrow’s pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Now when he gets up, me being a good catcher, I’m gonna throw the guy out at first base. So the guy bunts the ball. I pick up the ball; I’m gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.
Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talkin’ about!
Abbott: Well that’s…That’s all you have…
Costello: That’s all I have to do is to throw the ball to first base. Now who’s got it?
Abbott: Naturally. Now you’ve got it.
Costello: I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s gotta get the ball! Now who’s got it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No, no, no, no…
Costello: He gets the ball. Naturally gets the ball and…Nat—
Abbott: You throw the ball to first base.
Costello: Then who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No!
Costello: Naturally gets the ball and…and…
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: That’s what I’m saying!?Abbott: You’re not saying it…
Costello: I said, I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: No you don’t!
Costello: I throw it to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: That’s what I’m saying!
Abbott: No it isn’t.
Costello: I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s gotta get it.
Abbott: So Who gets it.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Okay. Now I ask you, who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Same as you!
Abbott: Now listen…
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who!?Costello: Then who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: He better get it! So I throw the ball to first base.
Abbott: All right.
Costello: Whoever gets it drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Now, Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don’t Know. I Don’t Know throws it back to Tomorrow, triple play.
Abbott: Could be.
Costello: Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Why? I don’t know! He’s on third and I don’t give a darn!
Abbott: What’d you say?
Costello: I said, I don’t give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that’s our shortstop!
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Lyrics submitted by Billy Cosgrove.