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Way back when I was just a little bitty boy<br /> Living in a box<br /> Under the stairs<br /> In the corner of the basement<br /> In the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop<br /> You know the placeWell anyway,<br /> Back then life was going swell<br /> And everything was just peachy!Except of course for the undeniable fact<br /> That every single morning<br /> My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of<br /> Sauer kraut for breakfastDawww<br /> Big bowl of sauer kraut!<br /> Every single mornin'!<br /> It was driving me crazy!<br /> And I said to my mom,<br /> I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"And my dear, sweet mother,<br /> She just looked at me like a cow looks<br /> At an oncoming train<br /> And she leaned right down next to me<br /> And she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"And then she tied me to the wall<br /> And stuck a funnel in my mouth<br /> And force fed me nothing but sauer kraut<br /> Until I was twenty-six and a half years oldThat's when I swore that someday,<br /> Someday I would get outta that basement<br /> And travel to a magical, far away place,<br /> Where the sun is always shining<br /> And the air smells like warm root beer,<br /> And the towels are oh so fluffy!Where the shriners and the lepers<br /> Play their ukuleles all day long<br /> And anyone on the street<br /> Will gladly shave your back for a nickel!Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!Well, let me tell you, people,<br /> It wasn't long at all before my dream came true<br /> Because the very next day,<br /> A local radio station had this contest<br /> To see who could correctly guess the number<br /> Of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's buttI was off by three, but I still won the grand prize<br /> That's right, a first class, one-way ticket<br /> To Albuquerque!<br /> Albuquerque!Oh yeah<br /> You know, I'd never been<br /> On a real airplane before<br /> And I gotta tell ya<br /> It was really greatExcept that I had to sit<br /> Between two large Albanian women<br /> With excruciatingly severe body odor<br /> And the little kid in back of me<br /> Kept throwin' up the whole time<br /> The flight attendants ran out of<br /> Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts<br /> And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore<br /> And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out<br /> And we went into a tailspin<br /> And crashed into a hillside<br /> And the plane exploded in a giant fireball<br /> And everybody died!<br /> Except for me. You know why?'Cause I had my tray table up<br /> And my seat back in the full upright position<br /> Had my tray table up<br /> And my seat back in the full upright position<br /> Had my tray table up<br /> And my seat back in the full upright positionAh-ha-ha-ha!<br /> Ah-ha-ha!<br /> Aahhh<br /> So I crawled from the twisted, burnin', wreckage<br /> I crawled on my hands and knees<br /> For three full days<br /> Draggin' along my big leather suitcase<br /> And my garment bag<br /> And my tenor saxophone<br /> And my 12-pound bowlin' ball<br /> And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel!But finally I arrived at the world famous<br /> Albuquerque Holiday Inn!<br /> Where the towels are oh so fluffy!<br /> And you can eat your soup<br /> Right out of the ashtrays if you wanna<br /> It's okay, they're clean!Well, I checked into my room,<br /> And I turned down the A/C,<br /> And I turned on the SpectraVision,<br /> And I'm just about to eat<br /> That little chocolate mint on my pillow<br /> That I love so very, very much,<br /> When suddenly there's a knock on the doorWell, now, who could that be?<br /> I say, "Who is it?" No answer<br /> "Who is it?" There's no answer<br /> "WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anythingSo finally, I go over<br /> And I open the door,<br /> And just as I suspected,<br /> It's some big, fat hermaphrodite<br /> With a flock of seagulls, haircut,<br /> And only one nostril<br /> Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right!So, anyway,<br /> He bursts into my room,<br /> And he grabs my lucky snorkel,<br /> And I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that!<br /> That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!"And he's like, "Tough!"<br /> And I'm like, "Give it!"<br /> And he's like, "Make me!"<br /> And I'm like, "'Kay!"So I grabbed his leg<br /> And he grabbed my esophagus<br /> And I bit off his ear<br /> And he chewed off my eyebrows<br /> And I took out his appendix<br /> And he gave me a colonic irrigation<br /> Yes indeed-y, you better believe it!And somehow in the middle of it all<br /> The phone got knocked off the hook<br /> And twenty seconds later,<br /> I heard a familiar voice<br /> And you know what it said?<br /> I'll tell ya what it said!It said, "If you'd like to make a call,<br /> Please hang up and try again<br /> If you need help,<br /> Hang up and then dial your operator<br /> If you'd like to make a call<br /> Please hang up and try again.<br /> If you need help<br /> Hang up and then dial your operator<br /> In Albuquerque!"<br /> Albuquerque!Well, to cut a long story short,<br /> He got away with my snorkel<br /> But I made a solemn vow<br /> Right then and there<br /> That I would not rest,<br /> I would not sleep for an instant,<br /> Until the one-nostrilled man<br /> Was brought to justice<br /> But first, I decided to buy some donutsSo I got in my car<br /> And I drove over to the donut shop<br /> And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter<br /> And he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want?"I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"<br /> He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."<br /> I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"<br /> He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."<br /> I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"<br /> He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."<br /> I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"<br /> He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"<br /> I said, "You got any apple fritters?"<br /> He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"<br /> I said, "You got any bear claws?"<br /> He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check.""Naw, we're outta bear claws!"I said, "Well, in that case<br /> In that case, what do you have?"<br /> He says, "All I got right now<br /> Is this box of one dozen<br /> Starving crazed weasels."<br /> I said, "Okay, I'll take that."So he hands me the box,<br /> And I open up the lid,<br /> And the weasels jump out<br /> And they immediately latch onto my face<br /> And start bitin' me all overOh, man, they were just goin' nuts!<br /> They were tearin' me apart!<br /> You know,<br /> I think it was just about that time<br /> that a little ditty started goin' through my head<br /> I believe it went a little somethin' like this:DOH!<br /> Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!<br /> Ohhh!<br /> No, get 'em off, get 'em off!<br /> Oh, oh God, oh God!<br /> Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God!<br /> Ah, aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!I ran out into the street<br /> With these flesh-eating weasels<br /> All over my face,<br /> Wavin' my arms all around<br /> And just runnin', runnin', runnin',<br /> Like a constipated wiener dogAnd as luck would have it,<br /> That's exactly when I ran into<br /> The girl of my dreams<br /> Her name was ZeldaShe was a caligraphy enthusiast,<br /> With a slight overbite,<br /> And hair the color of strained peachesI'll never forget<br /> The very first thing<br /> She said to me<br /> She said, "Hey,<br /> You've got weasels on your face."That's when I knew it was true loveWe were inseparable after that<br /> Aw, we ate together<br /> We bathed together<br /> We even shared the same piece<br /> Of mint-flavored dental floss<br /> The world was our burritoSo we got married,<br /> And we bought us a house<br /> And had two beautiful children,<br /> Nathaniel and Superfly<br /> Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeahBut then, one fateful night,<br /> Zelda said to me, she said,<br /> "Sweetie pumpkin?<br /> Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"<br /> I said, "Woah! Hold on now, baby!<br /> I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"So we broke up,<br /> And I never saw her again<br /> But that's just the way things go<br /> In Albuquerque!<br /> Albuquerque!Anyway, things really started<br /> Lookin' up for me,<br /> Because about a week later<br /> I finally achieved my lifelong dream<br /> That's right, I got me a part-time job<br /> At the Sizzler!I even made employee of the month<br /> After I put out that grease fire<br /> With my face!Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous<br /> Of me after that<br /> I was gettin' a lot of attitude.Okay, like one time,<br /> I was out in the parkin' lot,<br /> Tryin' to remove my excess earwax<br /> With a golf pencil,<br /> When I see this guy Marty<br /> Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa<br /> Up the stairs all by himself.So I-I say to him,<br /> I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"<br /> And Marty, he just rolls his eyes<br /> And goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!"So I did.And then he gets all indignant on me<br /> He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!"<br /> Well, that's just great.<br /> How was I supposed to know that?<br /> I'm not a mind reader,<br /> For cryin' out loudBesides, now he's got<br /> A really cute nickname - Torso-Boy!<br /> So what's he complaining about?Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote<br /> This guy comes up to me on the street<br /> And he tells me he hasn't had a bite<br /> In three daysWell, I knew what he meant,<br /> But just to be funny,<br /> I took a big bite<br /> Out of his jugular vein<br /> And he's yelling and screaming<br /> And bleeding all over,<br /> And I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"<br /> But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk,<br /> Bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!"<br /> You know, completely missing<br /> The irony of the whole situation<br /> Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?Anyway, um...<br /> Where was I?<br /> Kinda lost my train of thought.Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway,<br /> I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way<br /> Of saying it, but,<br /> I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here isI HATE SAUERKRAUT!That's all I'm really tryin' to say<br /> And, by the way,<br /> if one day you happen to wake up<br /> And find yourself in an existential quandry,<br /> Full of loathing and self-doubt<br /> And wracked with the pain and isolation<br /> Of your pitiful meaningless existence,<br /> At least you can take a small bit of comfort<br /> In knowing that somewhere out there in this<br /> Crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours,<br /> There's still a little place<br /> Called Albuquerque!<br /> Albuquerque!<br /> Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)<br /> Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)<br /> Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)<br /> Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)I said A! (A!)<br /> L! (L!)<br /> B! (B!)<br /> U! (U!)<br /> ... querque! (querque!)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)<br /> (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)<br /> (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)<br /> Al...buquerque!<br /> *burp*Lyrics provided by TANCODEhttps://damnlyrics.com/" readonly=""/>