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Jillian was her name<br /> She was sweeter than aspartame<br /> Her kisses reconfigured my DNA<br /> And after that I never was the sameAnd I loved her even more<br /> Than Marlon Brando loved souffle<br /> She was gorgeous, she was charming<br /> Yeah, she was perfect in every wayExcept she was always using the word "infer"<br /> When she obviously meant "imply"<br /> And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing<br /> But frankly, I can't imagine whyAnd I told her, I said<br /> "Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?<br /> No, I don't think we are!<br /> You're close! (Close!)<br /> But no cigar!"Then I met sweet young Janet<br /> Prettiest thing on the planet<br /> Had a body hotter than a habanjero<br /> She had lips like a ripe pomegranateAnd I was crazy like Manson about her<br /> She got me all choked up like Mama Cass<br /> She had a smile so incredibly radiant<br /> You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glassI thought after all these years of searching around<br /> I'd found my soulmate finally<br /> But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy<br /> Of Joe Dirt on DVDOh, no! I said<br /> "Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?<br /> No I don't think we are!<br /> You're close! (Close!)<br /> Oh, so very close! (Close!)<br /> Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)<br /> So close!<br /> But no cigar!"(Oh, yeah!)<br /> (Oh, no!)<br /> (Oh, yeah!)<br /> (Oh, no!)<br /> (Oh, yeah!)<br /> (Oh, no!)<br /> (ALL RIGHT!)[Hand claps, trumpet solo]Julie played water polo<br /> She wore a ribbon on her left manolo<br /> She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near<br /> My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich soloAnd she was everything I've dreamed of<br /> She moved right up to #1 on my list<br /> And did I mention she's a world famous billionare<br /> Bikini supermodel astrophysicistYeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron<br /> Look like a big fat slobbering pig<br /> The only caveat is one of her earlobes<br /> Was just a little tiny bit too bigI said<br /> "Hey! Are we doing government work here?<br /> No I don't think we are!<br /> You're close! (Close!)<br /> So very, very close! (Close!)<br /> Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)<br /> So close!<br /> But no cigar!"Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)<br /> Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)<br /> Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)<br /> But no cigar!Lyrics provided by TANCODEhttps://damnlyrics.com/" readonly=""/>